You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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