So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
