i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
