Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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