Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the condom got lost in my hair
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
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I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.