I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Your dad touched me again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
