Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
