It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
