She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
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I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
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Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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