I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
there is puke in my bra ... again
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
