no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
