so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
