I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
