your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
