I'm eating all of the evidence.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
