I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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