You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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