mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
