Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize