I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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