I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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