I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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