So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
