I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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