God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
