I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
