My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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