nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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