Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
