i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
