I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
