she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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