A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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