my vag is so smooth its legendary
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
