Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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