u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
