so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
