you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
