She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
