I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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