I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
