Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
