I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
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You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
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I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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