I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
