my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
