I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
