I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
