remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?