I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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