Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
