dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
