as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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