I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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