you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
