Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
